Saturday, January 30, 2010

The Somewhat Quarterly Moron Report- The Ignominy Awards

Typically, I use this blog as a platform to talk about simply being stupid. Stupid can be explained in a variety of ways, but mostly the offending party has limited culpability, because they're dumb!  I make fun of them, and you laugh about it (assholes), and it's good times. But sometimes laughing isn't enough. Sometimes, people are so absurdly dumb that they SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES for it, because sometimes ignorance is inexcusable.
This is my salute to that very special brand of stupid... without further ado, The Ignominy Awards!

I don’t actually know why this is a category. Most girls seem to be stupid. That statement sounds sexist. That’s because it is.  However, the simple fact that my statement is sexist doesn’t make it untrue.
(I don’t think that the stupid is biological… I don’t know if that makes it better or worse… )
The girls I’ve met who aren’t vapid, babbling vacuums are few and far between, but even in a category that seems predisposed towards stupid, there are some who attain breathtaking new levels of dumbness. For example, the girl who asked “Do you think the bus ride from Michigan to Germany will be long?” or the one who thought Henry Ford was once the President of the United States.
(For her, this is some ongoing issue, because she also thought Ben Franklin was one of our Presidents- which goes to show that the illustrated version of American History may not necessarily be the best choice for a high school textbook. Incidentally ladies… I‘ve never heard any comparable comments out of the guys… I‘m just throwing that out there…)
These are the unique women who write “I Luf Edward Cullen” on their binders, only they spell Edward with an ‘I’ and Cullen with a heart somehow. So to you people (and I use that term loosely)…
There is such a things as stupid questions, and you ask them.  Stop it. I do not succumb to the egalitarian notion that everyone should participate in everything, so I think it’s best for all parties involved if you guys drop out of school and leap right into your careers- become crack whores now, because studies show that there won’t be enough crack whores to meet this country’s demand in the future.
I hate to be the one to tell you this (no, I don’t really hate it) but if you think there are two Pacific Oceans because that’s how it looks on a flat world map, then you SHOULDN’T be a nurse. Nobody needs medical help from you, and quite frankly I cringe at the idea that you may one day be processing any of my paperwork.
Just stop it. Not everybody has to get an education. That’s what welfare is for!
Didn’t you ever wonder why every time a woman becomes a powerful lawyer or politician she’s plastered on every cover and written about in magazines? They don’t do that for men, and the reason why is because smart, educated women are hard to find.
Unfortunately… stupid girls have no such problem.
You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself.
As I said, I don’t think the stupid is biological. I think it is the result of a society that talks a good game about equality but has no real standards of achievement for women. That’s where individual initiative should come in. Read a book once in a while so you don’t sound like such a moron.  Buy a map. Hire a tutor and learn how to do basic addition, so when you’re at the register we don’t have to stand there for an hour and a half behind you while you try in vain to add 5.93 to 4.99 to see if you did indeed get the sale price.  Or just pull your head out of your ass once in a while so you don’t ask questions like “Is Spicy Thai Soup spicy?”
And for God sakes, put your f***ing cell phone away because nobody wants to get your stupid texts (kk?)- accept for other stupid girls and the date rapists that love them.

Another group of people who should be ashamed of themselves? People who say they don’t support organized religion, but claim in an ever-so-self-congratulatory tone to take their kids to church because their kids were “searching” and wanted to know about religion. Who the hell do you think you’re fooling? If you have deep belief in religion and you want to foster that in your children, go for it. I will be happy to take on you and your litter some other day to argue the merits of your position. BUT- at least you were honest and I respect that.
You people, on the other hand, are completely and totally full of shit. You supposedly think religion is a form of brain-washing that teaches people to be conformists, but in spite of your strong views, you take your children to church? In other words, you are subjecting your children to something that is damaging in your personal estimation because they wanted to be subjected to it?
That’s a little like letting your kid learn about nature by playing with rabid raccoons (next time little Johnny will listen when you tell him to leave varmints alone… he may be dead but hey… ya got to make sacrifices when you’re a parent.)
If you believe an experience is bad, you’re supposed to try to keep your kid AWAY from it stupid.
Now there are those who will argue with me and say you have to allow your children to make choices, so if your kindergartener wants to go to church you should let them be exposed to it.
Again, I hate to be the one letting you in on these little secrets, but KIDS DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR THEM! That’s why they need adults in the first place. You know what my daughter wanted for a snack in kindergarten? Play-doh.
That hardly sounds like the meal of choice for a spiritual seeker contemplating the existential mysteries of life and beyond.
Then there are those specialized morons who drag their kids from a Catholic church, to a mosque, to a pagan blessing, and finally to a synagogue just to round things out.
Do you know what you’re teaching your kids about what you believe? Nothing. More specifically you’re teaching your kids that you believe in NOTHING. You have no idea what’s right or wrong, or worse, that there is no right or wrong. The only thing they take from the experience is that religion is no more of a commitment than the color of your nail polish.
Discovering meaningful things about yourself requires introspection beyond what a 5 year old is capable of.
You’re not raising Buddha. You’re only raising the next generation of morons who thinks religion is a game and spirituality can be bought online for $24.99 plus shipping and handling.
You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself!

Awww. You love Haiti do you? What’s that? You gave a dollar (a whole dollar!) to help the poor starving orphans? Good for you! So, since you love Haiti so much I guess that means you can find it on a map right?
Oh what’s that? You don’t own a map? Because you gave your dollar to orphans!?
You despicable phony bastards… Haiti, the Caribbean island nation, was the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere, suffered a severe shortage of medical care, and was caught in nigh-endless cycle of violent political upheaval for most of it’s existence. Where was your dollar then?
In your wallet, that’s where. It wasn’t until equally despicable, exploitative celebrities started tweeting because the few meager things the Haitians actually did have got destroyed in a devastating earthquake that anyone here knew what Haiti was, let alone sent any money.
The only reason most Americans have given any money to Haiti is because it makes it easier for you people to forgive yourselves for being so completely and thoroughly oblivious to any real global issues. Giving a dollar to the Haiti relief fund makes it easier for us to forget that places like Haiti actually exists and helps us get back to the business of eating French Fries and driving to our garbage cans to throw away our trash.
You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself!
Exploiting the misery of already miserable people is one of the most morally reprehensible (completely ubiquitous) things to emerge from our gluttonous, self-indulgent society.
For the most part, I’m not any better. But then again, I don’t claim to be. I don’t download “save Haiti” wallpaper for my desktop. I don’t buy “help Haiti” pins so that $0.30 of my $2.99 goes to help the unfortunate victims of the earthquake.
But I do know about Haiti’s political turmoil. I would support actions that would bring long term stability to the area. Oh…. And I can find it on the map. 


Post a Comment